How to be a High Schooler

– [Sister] Listen, I know
tomorrow is your first day of high school and
you’re probably nervous. – (gulps) – But don’t worry, all you have to do is follow these tips and you’ll be fine. – [Sister] First off, you’re going to need to
survive the first day. The other kids are gonna
seem a lot older than you. – Yeah, I get up around
like four, you know? Then I watch a half hour
of YouTube motivation– – Johnson, I told you to
buy low and sell high! No, I don’t care what your
wife thinks! Buy, buy, buy! – [Sister] Learn the
different types of students. You have the jock. – Yeah, I go to every party and my girlfriend’s head cheerleader. I’m peaking right now
and I don’t even know it! – [Sister] The preppy one. – Remember! Tuesday’s the last day to get your votes in for the student council! My parents got divorced last year, so I exude positivity to
mask my inner turmoil! – [Sister] There’s always some nerd. – Yeah, this sucks. But in a few years, I’ll own a billion dollar company, and I’ll hire these jerks to wipe my ass. – [Sister] The edgy one. – My parents are warm and supportive, but I act out because they don’t get me. – [Sister] The class clown. – (clears throat)
Viruses are not typically considered orgasms because they lack — – She said “orgasm” instead of “organism!” (students laughs) – [Sister] They’re usually
not even that funny, just loud and obnoxious. And finally, the no show. – Jacob? Has he been to
a class at all this year? – [Sister] Get to know the
different types of teachers. There’s the one who
thinks she’s in control. – I’m still waiting! – [Sister] But she’s not. – Still waiting. – [Sister] The drama
teacher who’s most likely a functioning alcoholic. – Alright all my little stars,
I want you to breathe in through your noses (inhaling),
and out through your vaginas. – (exhales loudly) Oh yeah. – [Sister] And the teacher who
tries to make learning fun. – (rapping) Your arms contains the humerus, but yo, this isn’t
laughable. It’s serious. Lifting bones until I go delirious. The epidermis protects the
internal organs from bacterias. “Hashtag” science is lit! – [Sister] Develop your study habits. – I’m so ready for this, I spent the last three weeks studying. – I skimmed the textbook at lunch. – There’s a test today?
Man, English is B.S. Me already talk good! – Hey, check it out. I wrote
all of Chapter 15 on my arm. – We’re on Chapter 16. (slams hands on desk) – [Sister] Your body
is gonna go through … Changes. But don’t be ashamed. – There’s nothing wrong with
a little bit of “me” time. (squirts lotion) – You wanna take just a
pea-sized dollop of lotion, apply it to your T-Zone, spread it out– – [Sister] High school
is all about firsts, like your first relationship. (romantic music) – Hey Amy! Chris thinks you’re hot! – (laughs) Oh yeah? – No, no, I meant like you
look warm, like sweaty. Do you have the flu or something? – (laughs) You’re funny. (students high five) – [Sister] Your first time might be, no, it’ll definitely be awkward. – [Chris] OK, just
gonna put the seat back. – [Amy] Ow! – [Chris] Sorry. – [Amy] Ew, why are your pants wet? – [Chris] Shhh, let’s
just cherish the moment. OK, now move left. – [Amy] Here? – [Chris] Yeah, perfect. – [Amy] Is it in yet? – [Chris] I think so. Oh god! Wow, you are amazing. Hey, what did you get on your math final? (sighs) I think I flunked it. – [Sister] The first breakup
always hurts the most. – You’ll be okay, man. – Don’t even worry about it. My girl broke up with me
for the exact same reason. – Besides, you’ll feel a lot better once you finish those 40s. – Yeah, I guess so. (gulps) – [Sister] Get good at lying to adults, you’ll be doing it a lot. – Officer, I assure you these
are non-alcoholic beers. – I was gonna do my homework, but (cries) my grandpa’s been really
sick, and it’s been hard– – Daddy, I swear we were studying algebra! – Don’t worry, I am
not gonna have a party. I’m just gonna be studying all weekend– OK guys! Enjoy your trip! Bye! – [Sister] When your parents leave town, you are socially obligated
to throw a party. – Haha! The party has arrived! – Hey! Careful where you put
that! We got marble floors! (gasps) Who took the
plastic off the couch? – You guys know Ms.
Thompson? She’s so hot! – Who? – Do you even go to our school? – Alright. Cool. Anyone need
more beer? Goin’ on a run. – Little bit of this, a
little bit of that … Dad will never find out!
Plus, it tastes better. (spits) – [Sister] Just remember
to take it all in. (vomits) – It’s OK, I swallowed it. – [Sister] Because before you know it, it’ll be time to graduate. – I can’t believe we’re finally done. – Guys, we’re still gonna
see each other all the time. – You know what? I have no
fears about my future at all. – Hey, did anyone learn
how to do their taxes? – And that’s pretty
much it. Any questions? – So, what happens after high school? – Well, you’ll go to college where you’ll take out loans to pay for classes you’re not even sure why you’re
going to in the first place. Then, you’ll spend the next eight years unsure of what you want,
floating through periods of binge drinking when you realize you don’t actually know anything. You’ll meet a handsome Guatemalan man who promises he doesn’t
have herpes, but he does. Every night you’ll lie in bed, hoping to fall asleep
before you fall apart. Anyways, enjoy your first day! (bright music) – I don’t know what to do! I’m lost in life, I’m just 16, man. Come on! – [Chris] Hey, what did you
get on that biology midterm? (laughs) I was gonna say, “I got a 69!” – [Sound Guy] Oh my god, I
was just thinking that. – [Chris] No way! – And repeat this
anywhere else on your face where you might be having problem areas: dry skin, extra acne– – That’s the anterior bicep that you’re feeling right there. Yeah, I’ll eat, like, a
Pop-Tart for some carbs, but– – I love Pop-Tarts. – Me too. – What kind’s your favorite? – Strawberry. – Yeah, you kind of
look like a strawberry. (laughs) – [Sister] What did we
miss? Leave a comment in the comment section below.

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